Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Garibaldi Red]

 

[philreich]

I was robbed at a petrol station today. When the policeman asked me who did it, I said, "Pump number 4."

 

[GremioPower]

 

[davesnothere]

View attachment 1343065

Has someone told her Ringo was only the drummer yet?

 

[Quadzilla]

Do you sweat now filling up your car with fuel then going in to pay for it?

If so, you have carownervirus

 

[Garibaldi Red]

Oh, those witty darts players

 

[philreich]

Do you sweat now filling up your car with fuel then going in to pay for it?

If so, you have carownervirus

News just in of a car accident at a service station. Apparently a car had flipped onto its roof - word is that it fainted when it saw the price of petrol.

 

[Grave Danger]

Why did the art thief's van run out of petrol?

He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

 

[bomberclifford]

Why did the art thief's van run out of petrol?

He had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh.

This is top tier dad jokery.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Papa G]

Paddy walks into a bar and asks for 3 pints of Guinness.

Barman pours him 3 pints and watches him drink evenly from each of the 3 pints until they are all finished at about the same time.

The barman says to Paddy, mate you know I'll keep an eye on you, and when you get low on a drink I'll have another one poured for you, that way you'll always have a fresh pint.

Paddy says no, the reason I do this is that I've got a brother in Ireland and another brother in America, and when I do this I feel like I'm having a pint with them. Barman says fair enough.

Over the following months Paddy comes in every week and goes through the same routine, until one week Paddy comes in and orders 2 pints of Guinness. The barman, realising what has happened comes up to Paddy and offers his condolences for one of Paddy's brothers passing.

Paddy says no, my brothers are still alive, I've just given up drinking.

 

[philreich]

In March 2021, we weren't allowed to travel more than 5 kilometres from our homes.

In March 2022, we can't AFFORD to travel more than 5 kilometres from our homes!!!

 

[Grave Danger]

In March 2021, we weren't allowed to travel more than 5 kilometres from our homes.

In March 2022, we can't AFFORD to travel more than 5 kilometres from our homes!!!

The bloke next to me on pump 2 just put $10 worth of fuel into his car.

Where does he think he is going, pump 3?

 

[philreich]

The bloke next to me on pump 2 just put $10 worth of fuel into his car.

Where does he think he is going, pump 3?

A mate of mine told me about someone he knew, who went to one of those rare service stations, where the attendant serves you. He asked for $10 worth of fuel - the attendant allegedly replied, "I'm not sure my reflexes are that good."

 

[GremioPower]

Oh, those witty darts players

BRAZILLIANT!

 

[Dutchy5150]

A bear walks into a bar and says, “Give me a whiskey…............................and a cola.”
“Why the big pause?” asks the bartender.
The bear shrugged. “I’m not sure. I was born with them.”

 

[Ford Fairlane]

 

[davesnothere]

 

[Grave Danger]

View attachment 1349960

Duh - two pairs

 

[finbarr]

 

[finbarr]

 

[philreich]

I was hoping our new premier would change his name to Peter Notgonnamaskus yesterday - not to be......

 

[philreich]

Customs have intercepted 50 litres of illegal petrol, that was being smuggled in from Thailand. The bottles of fuel were hidden inside a shipment of cocaine.

 

[Grave Danger]

The bloke next to me on pump 2 just put $10 worth of petrol into his car this morning.

Where does he think he is going, pump 3?

Any likes that post gets should be added to my tally (see post 1113)

 

[philreich]

I was behind a guy at a service station today. He said to the attendant, "Can I please have a full tank of petrol for my car?"

The attendant replied, "Yeah OK - seems like a fair swap."