Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[GremioPower]

 

[GremioPower]

More Dad Jokes

Spoiler: Not Joking!

Spoiler: Wait, there are more…

Spoiler: “More?” Well… Why not?

But that would be all for now.

Sorry not sorry!

 

[shewho]

This one is from a Christmas cracker:

Q: Why aren’t orphans good at Baseball?

A: Because they don’t know where home is.

 

[GremioPower]

This one is from a Christmas cracker:

Q: Why aren’t orphans good at Baseball?

A: Because they don’t know where home is.

 

[Interstater]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

 

[wannabejack]

 

[philreich]

Australians are really good at playing tennis, as evidenced by the fact that we're good at returning a Serb........

 

[philreich]

I'VE BEEN BANNED FROM WOOLWORTHS

Yesterday I was at my local Woolworths store buying a large bag of My Dog dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

What did she think I had an elephant?
So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Dog Diet again.
I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 10 kilograms before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with My Dog nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again.
(I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me.
I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.
I'm now banned from Woolworths.

Better watch what you ask retired people.
They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.

Reminds me of the woman in Coles. She's lining up to pay for her groceries, but her 2 kids are being brats - refusing to stand in line, and running up and down the aisles. Their mother loses it, "F***ING GET OVER HERE NOW, OR I'LL SMASH YOUR F***ING HEADS TOGETHER."

A young man is in the line directly behind her, and he calmly asks her, "Excuse me for asking Madam, but are your children twins?"

She gives him a filthy look, and snaps, "TWINS? OF COURSE THEY'RE NOT F***ING TWINS - WHATEVER GAVE YOU THAT IDEA?"

Unperturbed, the young man says, "Well it's just that I find it hard to believe that anyone would want to have sex with you twice."

 

[Grave Danger]

Australians are really good at playing tennis, as evidenced by the fact that we're good at returning a Serb........

Good djoke

 

[proman_x]

 

[Frank Hansen II]

Two jokes in one, I like it.

 

[Grave Danger]

Two jokes in one, I like it.

I didn't get either of them - far too subtle for Dad jokes.

 

[bomberclifford]

Two jokes in one, I like it.

What's the second joke?

 

[Quadzilla]

I bought a 'big issue' and asked the guy if he wanted to hear a joke.

"Ok" he said.

"Knock knock"
"Who's there?"

"I thought you were f*ckn homeless?"

 

[Igavemyloveachicken]

I didn't get either of them - far too subtle for Dad jokes.

1) The lights not on him so he isn't in the right place at the right time.
2) Dedicating a joke to people that are never in the right place at the right time wouldn't happen because those people would never be in the right place (watching the show) at the right time (prior to the performers dedication to them).

 

[Grave Danger]

1) The lights not on him so he isn't in the right place at the right time.
2) Dedicating a joke to people that are never in the right place at the right time wouldn't happen because those people would never be in the right place (watching the show) at the right time (prior to the performers dedication to them).

 

[Duck Farmer]

I walked into a store and asked for some deodorant.

The guy behind the counter said, "Ball or aerosol?"

I said, "Neither, I want it for my armpits."

 

[LK Metro]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Ford Fairlane]

I've know coaches want their players to play hard football but maybe this is taking things too far?

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[proman_x]

 

[wannabejack]

Little Johnnie's teacher asked him how his weekend was.
"Horrible, a car hit my dog in the ass," he said.
The teacher corrected, "Johnnie, we say 'rectum.'"
Little Johnnie replied "Rectum? Damn near killed him!"

 

[proman_x]

 

[Grave Danger]