Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[Igavemyloveachicken]

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I have no idea what this joke means, any help?

 

[bomberclifford]

I have no idea what this joke means, any help?

Oceanic is an anagram of cocaine.

 

[Harlott]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Relativity]

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Could have been worse. They could have been adding "ob".

 

[bomberclifford]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[wannabejack]

Elton John found a rabbit at the gym.
It's a little fit bunny.

 

[OnlyPowerForever]

A rarely known fact, the commentator Rex Hunt had a half Brother of Russian decent that was named Yurik.

I thought his name was Eric?

 

[OnlyPowerForever]

My wife purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.” Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.

That's a coincidence. My wife was sick of me during lockdown, so also purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where you're spending the first 2 weeks after lockdown.”

Apparently that's not happening now, she's got surgery to repair the damage to her implants.

 

[philreich]

Bloke goes sobbing to his minister, saying he's done a stupid, awful thing. When pressed, he admits to a drunken 1 night stand with his wife.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[wannabejack]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[chooke]

Sign at the entry at a pub

Liquor at the front, Poker at the rear

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Portology]

Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher?
He couldn't control his pupils...

 

[Power Raid]

I failed my driving test today. My instructor asked me, "What do you do at a red light?"

I replied, "I usually check my emails, and and see what people are up to on Facebook."

An ex girlfriend of mine, as beautiful as she was, was hopeless when it came to the pressure of her driving exam.

She failed three or four times, for a different reason each time. However at one attempt she passed everything and the instructor congratulated her.

On the way back to the driving centre, they approached a stop sign. Giving directions, the examiner said “go straight through at the stop sign”……and she did literally.

She failed immediately.

But she was still beautiful!

 

[OnlyPowerForever]

An ex girlfriend of mine, as beautiful as she was, was hopeless when it came to the pressure of her driving exam.

She failed three or four times, for a different reason each time. However at one attempt she passed everything and the instructor congratulated her.

On the way back to the driving centre, they approached a stop sign. Giving directions, the examiner said “go straight through at the stop sign”……and she did literally.

She failed immediately.

But she was still beautiful!

 

[raman]

On the way back to the driving centre, they approached a stop sign. Giving directions, the examiner said “go straight through at the stop sign”……and she did literally.

To be fair that’s a pretty badly worded instruction!

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

 

[Dudersaurus]

My daughter is bugging me about getting a guinea pig so she can have a pet of her own. "You won't have to do anything dad!"

Smelly noisy bloody things, but they are the perfect first pet for a young kid.

They only live 5 days and don't need food or water.

 

[Grave Danger]

A Scottish guy is in a bakers and points behind the counter and says "Is that a cake or a meringue?"

"No mate, you're right" says the baker.