Banter Dad Joke Quarantine Thread

[pastmyprimus]

Wife said:
“Our new neighbours are so in love. He kisses her, strokes her hair and hugs her. Why don’t you do that.”

Husband answers:
“Because I don’t know her that well yet”

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

Compliments of the season:

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[philreich]

 

[philreich]

An Essendon fan and his Bombers-loving dog attend the team's last home win of 2023. This mutt makes no secret about where his allegiances lie - every time an Essendon player takes a mark or kicks a goal, he does back flips and licks his owner's face lovingly. And when the final siren sounds with the Bombers in front on the scoreboard, the dog jumps into his owner's arms, wags his tail and howls his approval.

A disconsolate opposition fan comes over to shake the man's hand, and offer his congratulations. He says, "I couldn't help noticing your amazing dog - in fact, given the way the game went, I was watching him more than what was happening on the field. But I have to ask: if he acts like that when the Bombers win, what's he like after they win a final?"

The man's demeanour changes instantly. After a few seconds, he says, "Dunno - I've only had him for 18 years."

 

[wannabejack]

I made a chicken salad last night.
Apparently they prefer grain.

 

[philreich]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO. The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back.."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[SC_Power]

I started writing a joke about time travel in this thread…. until I realised none of you liked it.

 

[SC_Power]

I told a Dad joke to end a Skype meeting last week, and no-one laughed.
It turns out I'm not remotely funny.

 

[SC_Power]

I'm really upset at the muted reactions to my latest Dad jokes, I've submitted 10 jokes to this thread looking for multiple likes, no pun in ten did.

 

[Grave Danger]

I'm really upset at the muted reactions to my latest Dad jokes, I've submitted 10 jokes to this thread looking for multiple likes, no pun in ten did.

I liked the joke at #1,660 - when I posted it here a couple of years ago

 

[SC_Power]

I liked the joke at #1,660 - when I posted it here a couple of years ago

But no-one got the joke in my “no pun in ten did” complaint though.

 

[Grave Danger]

But no-one got the joke in my “no pun in ten did” complaint though.

No, no - any likes given would have spoiled the joke

 

[finbarr]

 

[Jojay]

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[glitch01]

Sent from my iPhone using BigFooty.com

 

[Jojay]

 

[philreich]

A barber gave a haircut to a priest one day. The priest tried to pay for the haircut but the barber refused saying, "You do God's work." The next morning the barber found a dozen bibles at the door to his shop.

A policeman came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You protect the public." The next morning the barber found a dozen doughnuts at the door to his shop.

A lawyer came to the barber for a haircut, and again the barber refused payment saying, "You serve the justice system." The next morning the barber found a dozen lawyers waiting for a haircut.

 

[Grave Danger]

 

[Grave Danger]

A confident young fella strolls in to the Pharmacy and says,"two packets of Trojans please, Miss - ribbed."

The lady behind the counter isn't impressed by his 'cocky' attitude and sniffs, "Don't you "Miss" me, young man!"

"Okay, better make that three packets then!"

 

[Jojay]

 

[finbarr]