Biffinator
Norm Smith Medallist
At the end of my tether, I sat in my study and ruminated on our disgrace. No answers came to mind. This was worse than 1981. By chance, I looked up at the book-shelf to see a copy of the Bible. Perhaps I will find some answers in there, I told myself. I took it down from the shelf and opened it up randomly to the Book of Genesis, Chapter 18.
Then the Lord said, “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.”
The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the Lord. Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you destroy the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? Far be it from you to do such a thing —to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
The Lord said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”
“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”
Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”
He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”
He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”
Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”
He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”
He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”
When the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.”
What on earth could this passage mean, I asked myself, and why has it come to me. I looked up. There sitting in a nearby chair was the Big Fella himself.
“Holy shit,” I exclaimed loudly. “What are you doing here?”
“The crimes, folly and misdemeanours of the Carlton Football Club have summoned me from my celestial throne. I have had enough of the Cheats and their iniquity. Just like the city of Sodom, I am going to destroy the Club and that stupid Legends Stand at Whore Park and make an example of them to all of mankind.”
“Well, I am glad to hear that in a way – and it’s not before time. But what if I can nominate one good man associated with the Club? Would you destroy the innocent with the guilty?”
“Biff, if you can name one upright man with integrity who is associated with the Cheats, I will not destroy the Carlton Football Club.”
“OK, what about that upright citizen Dick Pratt, the Saviour of the Cheats?”
The Big Fella furrowed his brow.
“Dick Pratt cheated the country, cheated his family and cheated the bimbos. For all the wealth he left behind, I am reasonably sure that he would exchange it here and now for a heavy-duty air-conditioner!”
“Lord, I presume there is no point nominating Big Jack?”
God shook his head.
“Pig’s Arse to Big Jack. Tricky Dicky Pratt will soon have a bunk-mate. It is amazing that Big Jack has defied the coffin-nails for so long!”
“Ummmh, what about Chris Judd, the environmental gladiator? He’s picked up some rubbish in his lifetime!”
“He cheated on his grandmother in Kyneton and now he has his snout in the trough.”
“What about Big John Nicholls, the icon of the Carlton Football Club?”
“Come on Biff, sharpen up. He has a longer record than the White Album. He even places his rubbery cheques in the collection-plate at church!”
“Surely you cannot have any grievance re Craig Bradley and SOS?”
“They snitched on the club when the AFL investigators came a’knocking. I place a high value on loyalty.”
“What about Carlton legend John Dorotich?”
“One of the problems of being God,” my visitor sighed, “is that I behold every action and from every possible angle. I am going to share the pain. On Judgement Day, we will all get to see Dora’s car-park frolic up on the big screen!”
“What about Diesel Williams?”
“The guy is a **** – there, I said it. I will never forgive his lack of gratitude towards the Handbaggers. And how many brown paper-bags came his way over time? I am looking forward to catching up with that little prick!”
This is not going well, I told myself. Nor was there any point mentioning Mark Moran.
“What about those highly respected coaches David Parkin and Robbie Walls?”
“Both of them won a premiership at the Cheats that was underwritten by brown paperbags. I don’t countenance dishonesty of any kind. And even I am puzzled when Robbie Walls says on radio that he is going to instill ‘Carlton Values’ into his granddaughter.”
“Fraser Brown?”
“The ATO always takes a lively interest in Fraser!”
“What about Carlton Legend Justin Murphy? What about his feats in the 1999 Preliminary Final?”
“Anyone who steals money from an old bag and in full view of a security camera is beyond redemption. When Big Nick goes to his reward, Justin Murphy should become the new living icon of the Carlton Football Club.”
“I know – what about Wayne Johnston – the Dominator!”
“I want to stay out of court myself. No comment.”
I was at the end of my tether and then an idea came to me.
“How about this: what about those guys who stole the 1970 and 1972 Premiership Cups from the Carlton Social Club? Only Carlton supporters would do such a thing to their own club. Have you seen the photos where they are pissing in them? Yeah, sure, it looks bad, but one could say that these morons were actually trying to broadcast the calumny, corruption and stench that is the Carlton Football Club.”
God paused for a few moments before replying.
“That’s not a bad attempt, Biff. But we both know those miscreants were typical of the riff-raff who barrack for the Cheats. Even so, they were being true to their nature. So what about this: I will defer my destruction of the Carlton Football Club by one week!”
“Errr, can’t you bring it forward and give us a bye?”
“That’s not possible Biff. ‘You can’t stop what’s coming. It’s not waiting on you. It is vanity to think that the Dees will get anywhere near the Blues!’ So let the Cheats have one last triumph – and then it will be Sodom revisited!”
The Cheats by 60 points and in a canter.
Then the Lord said, “The outcry against Sodom and Gomorrah is so great and their sin so grievous that I will go down and see if what they have done is as bad as the outcry that has reached me. If not, I will know.”
The men turned away and went toward Sodom, but Abraham remained standing before the Lord. Then Abraham approached him and said: “Will you destroy the righteous with the wicked? What if there are fifty righteous people in the city? Will you really sweep it away and not spare the place for the sake of the fifty righteous people in it? Far be it from you to do such a thing —to kill the righteous with the wicked, treating the righteous and the wicked alike. Far be it from you! Will not the Judge of all the earth do right?”
The Lord said, “If I find fifty righteous people in the city of Sodom, I will spare the whole place for their sake.”
Then Abraham spoke up again: “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, though I am nothing but dust and ashes, what if the number of the righteous is five less than fifty? Will you destroy the whole city for lack of five people?”
“If I find forty-five there,” he said, “I will not destroy it.”
Once again he spoke to him, “What if only forty are found there?”
He said, “For the sake of forty, I will not do it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak. What if only thirty can be found there?”
He answered, “I will not do it if I find thirty there.”
Abraham said, “Now that I have been so bold as to speak to the Lord, what if only twenty can be found there?”
He said, “For the sake of twenty, I will not destroy it.”
Then he said, “May the Lord not be angry, but let me speak just once more. What if only ten can be found there?”
He answered, “For the sake of ten, I will not destroy it.”
When the Lord had finished speaking with Abraham, he left, and Abraham returned home.”
What on earth could this passage mean, I asked myself, and why has it come to me. I looked up. There sitting in a nearby chair was the Big Fella himself.
“Holy shit,” I exclaimed loudly. “What are you doing here?”
“The crimes, folly and misdemeanours of the Carlton Football Club have summoned me from my celestial throne. I have had enough of the Cheats and their iniquity. Just like the city of Sodom, I am going to destroy the Club and that stupid Legends Stand at Whore Park and make an example of them to all of mankind.”
“Well, I am glad to hear that in a way – and it’s not before time. But what if I can nominate one good man associated with the Club? Would you destroy the innocent with the guilty?”
“Biff, if you can name one upright man with integrity who is associated with the Cheats, I will not destroy the Carlton Football Club.”
“OK, what about that upright citizen Dick Pratt, the Saviour of the Cheats?”
The Big Fella furrowed his brow.
“Dick Pratt cheated the country, cheated his family and cheated the bimbos. For all the wealth he left behind, I am reasonably sure that he would exchange it here and now for a heavy-duty air-conditioner!”
“Lord, I presume there is no point nominating Big Jack?”
God shook his head.
“Pig’s Arse to Big Jack. Tricky Dicky Pratt will soon have a bunk-mate. It is amazing that Big Jack has defied the coffin-nails for so long!”
“Ummmh, what about Chris Judd, the environmental gladiator? He’s picked up some rubbish in his lifetime!”
“He cheated on his grandmother in Kyneton and now he has his snout in the trough.”
“What about Big John Nicholls, the icon of the Carlton Football Club?”
“Come on Biff, sharpen up. He has a longer record than the White Album. He even places his rubbery cheques in the collection-plate at church!”
“Surely you cannot have any grievance re Craig Bradley and SOS?”
“They snitched on the club when the AFL investigators came a’knocking. I place a high value on loyalty.”
“What about Carlton legend John Dorotich?”
“One of the problems of being God,” my visitor sighed, “is that I behold every action and from every possible angle. I am going to share the pain. On Judgement Day, we will all get to see Dora’s car-park frolic up on the big screen!”
“What about Diesel Williams?”
“The guy is a **** – there, I said it. I will never forgive his lack of gratitude towards the Handbaggers. And how many brown paper-bags came his way over time? I am looking forward to catching up with that little prick!”
This is not going well, I told myself. Nor was there any point mentioning Mark Moran.
“What about those highly respected coaches David Parkin and Robbie Walls?”
“Both of them won a premiership at the Cheats that was underwritten by brown paperbags. I don’t countenance dishonesty of any kind. And even I am puzzled when Robbie Walls says on radio that he is going to instill ‘Carlton Values’ into his granddaughter.”
“Fraser Brown?”
“The ATO always takes a lively interest in Fraser!”
“What about Carlton Legend Justin Murphy? What about his feats in the 1999 Preliminary Final?”
“Anyone who steals money from an old bag and in full view of a security camera is beyond redemption. When Big Nick goes to his reward, Justin Murphy should become the new living icon of the Carlton Football Club.”
“I know – what about Wayne Johnston – the Dominator!”
“I want to stay out of court myself. No comment.”
I was at the end of my tether and then an idea came to me.
“How about this: what about those guys who stole the 1970 and 1972 Premiership Cups from the Carlton Social Club? Only Carlton supporters would do such a thing to their own club. Have you seen the photos where they are pissing in them? Yeah, sure, it looks bad, but one could say that these morons were actually trying to broadcast the calumny, corruption and stench that is the Carlton Football Club.”
God paused for a few moments before replying.
“That’s not a bad attempt, Biff. But we both know those miscreants were typical of the riff-raff who barrack for the Cheats. Even so, they were being true to their nature. So what about this: I will defer my destruction of the Carlton Football Club by one week!”
“Errr, can’t you bring it forward and give us a bye?”
“That’s not possible Biff. ‘You can’t stop what’s coming. It’s not waiting on you. It is vanity to think that the Dees will get anywhere near the Blues!’ So let the Cheats have one last triumph – and then it will be Sodom revisited!”
The Cheats by 60 points and in a canter.
